By Virtue of Listicle I Assert My Manhood
The Man’s Guide to Manned Manliness Art of Manhood website once released a daunting list of “100 Skills Every Man Should Know”, presumably in the spirit of remaining a Capable, Balanced, Adult Man in an infantilizing world.
If only it were so. Instead, we are treated to a reactionary screed marrying the values of intellect, sociability, and physicality, plus a deep respect of Man’s eternal foe: The natural world.
For example: “Determining Due North” and “Asking a Woman on a Date” are irrelevant due to new and emerging technologies. Smart phones tell us where we are and what to do. Sexual relationships between male and female are sorted by algorithm, and will soon be obsolete entirely due to the gender fluidity we’ve been warned about. Sexbots are already emerging from the East to placate our terrible desire for companionship.
Still, there are things that we can do. Things more appropriate to the age in which we leave. Here are some alternative metrics and benchmarks that you are welcome to use to measure your self-worth. And not just men. This is a highly woke place.
1. Lead a Fireteam into combat and quickly become disenchanted with the romance and glory of war that you were promised by early generations. The eye strain, the rage-quitting, the arthritic thumbs, the sexual frustration, the intellectual atrophy, an irrational hatred for Waluigi, who I suspect has more in common with us than we’d like to admit.
2. Sign up for gym classes. Go to the gym for a few weeks until you pull something. Never return. You tried.
3. Wait until your children are adults before finally admitting to yourself which of them you love the least.
4. Read a Hemingway book so you can quickly get through that phase where you fancy yourself a budding, romantic, self-destructive writer because minimalist prose seems like it would be pretty easy. Bret Easton Ellis works too, if you have less self-respect.
5. Serve on a jury and find someone guilty of a crime– any crime.
6. Utilize GIFs. People like GIFs for some reason. Use GIFs and they will give you power.
8. Have a Karaoke Standby Song. If it’s a rap song with the n-word, it is acceptable to substitute this word with the word “Ninjas.”
10. Try making a listicle. It sounds like testicle but it’s a list.